When your child becomes upset, they go into fight or flight mode; as a result they are unable to listen or rationalize with an adult until they calm down. It is important for all of your child’s caregivers to be aware of signs and triggers in order to help them select a coping strategy to prevent a fight/flight meltdown or help your child recover from an episode.
Common Triggers and Things to Notice
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Frustrating or challenging tasks
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Being told they are unable to do something they wants when they wants to do it (i.e. playing with a preferred toy when the expectation is to be completing work).
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Transitioning away from preferred activities. Each day consists of a string of transitions, sometimes we are transitioning away from a preferred activity which can bring out feelings of being upset, anger, or sadness.
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Is your child tired, hungry, or overstimulated? Any one of these things can make it challenging for your child to utilize their calming strategies.
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Exposure to new experiences. A new experience could mean trying a new food, meeting new people, going to unfamiliar places. When we are young so many of our experiences are still new. This unfamiliar feeling can be overwhelming at times. As a caregiver, you may be feeling excited to share something new, however, it can be useful to remember that sometimes new things bring out big emotions.
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Signs of a Fight or Flight Response
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Fisted hands
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Tight body or scrunched up face
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Kicking
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Screaming
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Pushing
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Throwing thing
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Glaring
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Restlessness
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Fidgeting excessively
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Shutting down
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Ways to Support Your Child Before an Episode
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Acknowledge what you notice about your child and how they may be feeling (i.e. “It looks like you are getting frustrated because this worksheet is really hard”).
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Offer your child a break using their break card and have them make a choice of 2 learned coping strategies, (i.e. “Do you need to take a break? We can count to 10 or do 3 bunny breaths to help our body calm down”).
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Model and do the selected coping strategy with your child (i.e. “Okay, let’s do 3 bunny breaths, take a deep breath through your bunny nose (count 1,2) and a big breath out through your mouth (count 1, 2, 3, 4)”.
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Deep breathing helps your child counteract their fight/flight response and can help your child cope with big feelings.
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After your child has completed their strategies and calmed down, redirect your child back to the task at hand (i.e. “Okay, now our body is calm, and we can finish our worksheet. I know it is hard, but you can do hard things! Let’s finish it together”).
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The point of the “break” is to prevent your child from becoming too dysregulated and fleeing the situation, NOT to get out of doing something they do not want to do.
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- Sometimes our calming methods don’t get ahead of the episode or the feelings are just soo big! If your child continues to have a hard time engaging, set a timer for 5 minutes for them to finish the task or write the time (i.e. 12:30pm) on a piece of paper so they know how much longer they are expected to work for. Children benefit from visual aids such as earning stickers or stars for on task behavior/finishing activities or using timers to indicate how long they are expected to engage with an activity.
Support Your Child During an Episode
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It is most important to remain calm and use your voice to aid your child to self-regulate.
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Acknowledge how your child is feeling in a calm, quiet voice (i.e. “I see you are very upset right now”).
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Direct your child to a safe, quiet space to calm down (i.e. “Let’s go to the safe spot to calm down”).
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It may be helpful to remove some sensory stimuli (i.e. turn down lights, let them hide under a blanket or pillows, keep your voice low)
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When they have calmed down enough, you may engage your child in deep breathing or other calming tools.
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Maintain Support after an Episode:
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Discuss what happened and what you noticed in a calm and nonjudgmental manner (“The worksheet was really hard, and you got very mad. It is okay to get mad when things are hard”).
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Discuss what worked (“Thank you for going to your safe spot to calm down” or “Thank you for letting me know you were upset”).
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Discuss what can be done next time (“Next time you are getting mad, you can raise your hand and ask for help or use your break card”).
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If your child runs away to an unsafe location, you may address this BUT only when they are regulated. If you child remains in fight/flight mode, they will be unable to have a conversation.
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(i.e. “Running away is unsafe, and it made me very worried about you. Being mad is okay, but we need to go to our safe spot. It is not okay to run into ____. Let’s practice visiting our safe spot now so next time you are mad you can go there instead”.
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Key Takeaways
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Prevention is key. Learn and be aware of your child’s triggers and signs of meltdown. When you notice signs of a meltdown, direct your child to use coping strategies before they become upset.
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Big feelings are okay. All feelings are valid. If appropriate, discuss alternative strategies to deal with big emotions during times of calm. Model and practice coping skills with your child throughout the day.
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Create a sense of safety. It is important for your child to have a designated space where they can feel safe. Fight or flight mode is registered in the brain as a life-threatening event. Your child needs a space where they can calm down and feel safe before they are able to rationalize or use coping skills with adult assistance.
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Keep yourself calm. Actions speak louder than words. Keep your voice low and calm when addressing your child during times of upset. When we raise our voices, it can re-trigger children who feel unsafe or threatened.
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