Parenting can be both beautiful and challenging, and one of the toughest moments is when your child is upset—whether they’re throwing a tantrum, crying inconsolably, or just feeling overwhelmed. In these moments, it can be hard to keep your cool. But your ability to stay calm has a profound impact not only on how the situation plays out but also on your child’s ability to regulate their own emotions.
This is where co-regulation comes in. Co-regulation is how an adult helps a child manage their emotions by staying calm themselves. When a child is upset, their nervous system is in overdrive, making it harder for them to think clearly or manage their feelings. As a parent or caregiver, your ability to stay grounded and composed can help “mirror” calmness for your child, which encourages them to gradually settle down as well.
Here are five strategies to help you stay calm and supportive when your child is upset:
1. Take Deep Breaths
When your child is upset, it can trigger a surge of emotions in you too—frustration, stress, or even helplessness. Before responding, take a moment to pause and breathe deeply. Deep breathing helps lower your heart rate and signals your body to relax, which can help you stay grounded. In turn, this can be a calming presence for your child.
How to do it:
Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of four, hold for four, and then exhale through your mouth for a count of four. Repeat this a few times to reset.
2. Relax Your Muscles with Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)
When emotions are running high, your body can tighten up—particularly in your shoulders, neck, and jaw. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) is a technique where you focus on tensing and then releasing muscle groups to reduce physical tension and promote relaxation.
How to do it:
Start with your feet. Tense your toes for five seconds, then release. Slowly work your way up your body—tightening and relaxing your calves, thighs, abdomen, hands, arms, shoulders, neck, and face. As you release each muscle group, notice the sensation of relief. This physical release helps your body reset, making it easier to stay calm.
3. Ground Yourself with the “5-4-3-2-1” Technique
If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, it can help to physically reconnect with your surroundings. The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique uses your senses to bring you back to the present moment, calming your body and mind by focusing on your environment.
How to do it:
Take a moment to focus on what you can see, hear, feel, and smell. Start by identifying:
- 5 things you can see around you
- 4 things you can touch (e.g., the texture of the floor under your feet, your clothing, a table)
- 3 things you can hear (the sound of your breathing, your child’s voice, background noise)
- 2 things you can smell (a calming scent like lavender or just the air around you)
- 1 thing you can taste (perhaps a sip of water or the lingering taste of a meal)
This is a great way to model how to shift perspective- turn it into an eye-spy game if it catches your little one’s attention!
4. Move Your Body to Release Tension
Sometimes, the best way to reset your physical state is to release built-up tension through movement. A quick physical reset can help you break free from mounting stress and prevent it from escalating. Try some fun music or silly dancing to add some humor!
How to do it:
Try shaking out your hands and arms to release tension, or take a quick walk around the room. If you can, step outside for a moment of fresh air, even if it’s just for a minute. You can also try stretching your body—reach for the sky, bend forward, or twist gently to one side. Physical movement helps to release pent-up stress and re-establish a sense of control.
5. Shift Your Perspective
When your child is upset, it can be easy to take their emotions personally or feel like you’re failing as a parent. But it’s important to reframe your thoughts in a way that reduces stress. Instead of thinking, “I can’t handle this,” try thinking, “This is a tough moment, but I can manage it.” Shifting your perspective helps you approach the situation with more patience and resilience.
How to do it:
Whenever you feel frustrated, remind yourself that your child’s emotions are not about you. They are learning how to regulate their feelings, and they need your support, not your anger or frustration. Take a mental step back and remind yourself that it’s okay to not have all the answers in the moment.
6. Ground Yourself Physically
Our bodies can easily react to stress, and physical sensations like tightness in the chest or a racing heart can make it harder to stay calm. Grounding techniques help you refocus and manage your physiological response to stress. They can help you regain control of your emotions when you start feeling overwhelmed.
How to do it:
Stand firmly with your feet hip-width apart, or sit down with your feet flat on the floor. Feel the ground beneath you and take a few deep breaths. This simple action can help you reconnect to the present and break the cycle of escalating stress.
7. Take a Break (When Needed)
If you’re feeling yourself get too overwhelmed, it’s okay to step away for a brief moment. Giving yourself a time-out to gather your thoughts can prevent an emotional reaction. It’s important to understand that taking a break doesn’t mean abandoning your child—it means giving yourself the space you need to return with a calmer, clearer mindset to help them regulate.
How to do it:
If possible, calmly let your child know that you’re stepping away to calm down. For example, “I need a moment to take a few breaths. I’ll be right back to help you.” Then, take a quick walk around the room, drink some water, or step into another room for a minute. You can always return to your child once you’ve collected yourself.
They’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
Remaining calm when your child is upset isn’t easy but it can help guide your child through their emotions more smoothly. By using these strategies, you not only support your child’s emotional needs but also set a powerful example of emotional regulation. Parenting in these moments is less about fixing the problem immediately and more about creating an environment where your child can learn how to manage their emotions with your calm, steady guidance. It’s okay to feel frustrated too—what matters is how you respond and help your child feel supported through the emotional process.